Funny non-religious wedding readings to make them laugh and cry
Funny non-religious wedding readings don't get nearly enough credit. A well-chosen one can set the whole tone of your ceremony and honestly, we think more couples should give themselves permission to have one.
There's a moment you'll recognise if you've seen it: someone starts reading, the room doesn't know what to expect and then a ripple of proper laughter spreads through the room. Shoulders drop. Someone snorts. Suddenly everything feels a little more relaxed.
A funny reading doesn't cheapen the day. It makes it feel real. And if your vows are heartfelt (they will be), a lighter reading gives the room a chance to breathe before the tender moments arrive, which makes those moments land harder.
Below are our favourites, from Pam Ayres to Bridget Jones. Some are delightfully silly. Some catch you off guard. The readings below cover every kind of couple and every kind of funny. Whatever you choose, make sure it sounds like you.
Our Favourite Funny Non-Religious Wedding Readings
Yes, I'll Marry You — Pam Ayres
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear.
And here’s the reason why.
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry.
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.
Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It’s you that has to mend it.
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him.
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
You’re virile and you’re lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!!!
It’s you who has to work the drill
And put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I DO, I DO, I DO!!
A Lovely Love Story — Edward Monkton
The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice.
Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.
Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with
kind words and loving thoughts.
“I like this Dinosaur,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
“Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny.
He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.”
“I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur,” thought the Dinosaur.
“She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice.
She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.”
“But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. “He is also overly fond of things. Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?”
“But her mind skips from here to there so quickly,” thought the Dinosaur. “She is also uncommonly keen on shopping. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?”
“I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur, “for they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.”
“I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping,” thought the Dinosaur, “for she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either."
Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old. Look at them. Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.
And that, my friends, is how it is with love.
Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.
For the sun is warm. And the world is a beautiful place.
The Giraffe and the Monkey — Daniel Thompson
Wherever we go
Whatever we do
Whenever there’s me
I hope that there’s you.
Now Money is Funny, it can make people odd.
You forget to be happy, and you live for your job
And fashion, is a passion, beset with a flaw
You can dress to excess, but you’ll always need more
And a muscle toned body, may sound like a dream
But no body is better, than chocolate ice cream
What I’m trying to say, is that happiness grows
Not through your wages, or body or clothes
But in laughter and love, and in sharing your life.
In the arms of another as husband and wife.
So when you find someone who’s weird just like you
Who laughs when you’re stupid and who makes you laugh too.
When you sit on the sofa, not hiding your flaws.
As imperfectly perfect, as the hand that holds yours.
When the fortune of kings, or purse of a beggar.
Won’t change how it feels, just being together.
When a cuddle and cuppa is all that you need….
Well then…
you’ve found something quite special indeed.
Wherever we go
Whatever we do
Whenever there’s me
I hope that there’s you.
Marry Your Best Friend — Anon
Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly.
Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with.
Someone who speaks highly of you.
Someone you can laugh with.
The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort.
The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs.
Wit is important.
Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them.
Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too.
Despair will come.
Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times.
Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you.
A love that will never dilute even when the waters get deep, and dark.
Harry Burns' speech — When Harry Met Sally
“I love that you get cold when it’s seventy-one degrees out.
I love that it takes you an hour-and-a-half to order a sandwich.
I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts.
I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.
And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve.
I came here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
Extract from The Sandman Vol. 9 — Neil Gaiman
Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…
You give them a piece of you.
They didn't ask for it.
They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you.
I'll Be There for You — Louise Cuddon
I’ll be there my darling, through thick and through thin
When your mind’s in a mess and your head’s in a spin
When your plane’s been delayed, and you’ve missed the last train.
When life is just threatening to drive you insane
When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page
When somebody tells you, you’re looking your age
When your coffee’s too cool, and your wine is too warm
When the forecast said “Fine”, but you’re out in a storm
When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum
And your holiday photos show only your thumb
When you park for five minutes in a resident’s bay
And return to discover you’ve been towed away
When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste
Just stick on your hips and don’t reach around your waist
When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes
When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes
So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…
When you break a rule, when you act the fool
When you’ve got the flu, when you’re in a stew
When you’re last in the queue, don’t feel blue
’cause I’m telling you, I’ll be there.
We’re All A Little Weird — Dr Seuss
We are all a little weird
and life’s a little weird,
and when we find someone whose
weirdness is compatible with
ours, we join up with them and
fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
Love Me When I’m Old — Bee Rawlinson
Love me when I’m old and shocking
Peel off my elastic stockings
Swing me from the chandeliers
Let’s be randy bad old dears.
Push around my chromed Bath Chair
Let me tease your white chest hair
Scaring children, swapping dentures
Let us have some great adventures
Take me to the Dogs and Bingo
Teach me how to speak the lingo
Bone my eels and bring me tea
Show me how it’s meant to be
Take me to your special places
Watching all the puzzled faces
You in shorts and socks and sandals
Me with warts and huge love-handles
As the need for love enthralls
Wrestle with my damp proof smalls
Make me laugh without constraint
Buy me chocolate body paint
Hold me safe throughout the night
When my hair has turned to white
Believe me when I say it’s true
I’ve waited all my life for you
Extract from Bridget Jones's Diary — Helen Fielding
"I don't think you're an idiot at all.
I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you.
Your mother's pretty interesting, and you really are an appallingly bad public speaker.
And, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences...
But the thing is, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately,
is that, in fact, perhaps despite appearances,
I like you, very much.
Just as you are."
How to Deliver a Funny Wedding Reading
Choosing the right reading is the first step. Delivering it well is the second - and it matters more than people expect. We've seen beautiful words land flat because the reader rushed and simpler pieces completely lift a room because the person delivering them felt completely at ease.
Here are a few things we've noticed make the biggest difference:
Choose humour that feels like you. If your relationship is playful and full of banter, let the reading reflect that. If your funny is quieter and more affectionate, look for something warmer and gentler. The goal isn't to perform - it's to share something that actually sounds like the two of you.
Think carefully about who's reading it. The right person in front of the room changes everything. Someone who's comfortable, who gets your sense of humour, who has rehearsed, they'll make even a simple piece sing. Someone nervous and unprepared will struggle with even the cleverest writing.
Play it straight. This is the one we feel most strongly about. Don't signal that it's funny. Don't look up before the punchline. Don't smile in anticipation of the laugh. Read it like it is the most sincere thing you've ever heard and let the words do the work. Funny readings land hardest when the reader looks utterly earnest.
Pace yourself. Nerves make people rush, and rushing kills comedy. Read it out loud at least five times before the day, mark your pauses and actually take them. A well-timed pause is worth more than perfect delivery.
Let the emotion sit alongside the laughter. The readings we love most, and the ones guests still talk about years later, are the ones that make you laugh and then quietly catch you off guard. Most of the pieces above have a moment near the end where the tone shifts, just slightly. Slow down there. Let your voice settle. Give the room a beat to feel it. That's where the real magic tends to happen
A little laughter in a wedding ceremony doesn't make it less meaningful. If anything, it does the opposite. It reminds everyone in the room that the two people standing at the front are real and human and completely, wonderfully themselves.
Looking for more inspiration? You’ll find further ideas in our blogs on modern, romantic and short wedding readings, or you can browse everything together in The Best Non-Religious Wedding Readings: Your Complete Guide.
